A1 Great! Part lies, part heart, part truth, part garbage.

only relevant if people can read

Brantford, Ontario is the town I spent my teenage years in. There’s a long history of defeat and failure in that town.

I’m sure the casual observer doesn’t notice it – but when I go back, I can just feel it, a bad vibration seeping from every pore. The empty downtown, the soulless north end retail parking lot, the dilapidated neighborhoods. People smoking everywhere.

There’s also a long history of stupidity, which manifests itself in embarrassing ways.

For instance, the Queen visited Brantford (she was just passing through, natch) in 1997, and a now-defunct gambling hall called the Bingo Palace decided to greet her with a welcome message on their backlit sign. The text read something like ‘Welcome Queen Elizabeth to Brantford’, which is all fine and good, except they put the Q up there backwards. And left it that way. No shit.

Then there was the more recent slogan, posted on signage in a few places around town. ‘Brantford: the Grand River runs through it’. Factually correct, yes, and completely uninspired. Imagine ‘Ottawa: it’s where the government is” or “Kingston: just north of Lake Ontario”. Jesus.

My weekend trip to the City That Never Wakes yielded another gem, perhaps not quite as sparkling as the others, but collectible nonetheless.

photograph of sign above Wayne Gretzky parkway in Brantford

Also its leading cause of sucking.


3 responses to “only relevant if people can read”

  1. Suz says:

    Dan – your bitterness translates beautifully into cheery wit. I laughed aloud, I brought the kids!

  2. suze says:

    Oh my god, I feel exactly the same way about the place. I spent my teenaged years in Brantford as well. Couldn’t wait to break free. It’s just such a sad, soulless place.

    The boy and I are headed there for a wedding this weekend. I’ll be sure to look for the latest in happy bford slogans :)

  3. Dan says:

    A fellow Buttford refugee. Congratulations and welcome.

    Also, two Suz* commenters in a row. This website is totally rocking the people-with-Z-in-their-name demographic.