only relevant if people can read
Brantford, Ontario is the town I spent my teenage years in. There’s a long history of defeat and failure in that town.
I’m sure the casual observer doesn’t notice it – but when I go back, I can just feel it, a bad vibration seeping from every pore. The empty downtown, the soulless north end retail parking lot, the dilapidated neighborhoods. People smoking everywhere.
There’s also a long history of stupidity, which manifests itself in embarrassing ways.
For instance, the Queen visited Brantford (she was just passing through, natch) in 1997, and a now-defunct gambling hall called the Bingo Palace decided to greet her with a welcome message on their backlit sign. The text read something like ‘Welcome Queen Elizabeth to Brantford’, which is all fine and good, except they put the Q up there backwards. And left it that way. No shit.
Then there was the more recent slogan, posted on signage in a few places around town. ‘Brantford: the Grand River runs through it’. Factually correct, yes, and completely uninspired. Imagine ‘Ottawa: it’s where the government is” or “Kingston: just north of Lake Ontario”. Jesus.
My weekend trip to the City That Never Wakes yielded another gem, perhaps not quite as sparkling as the others, but collectible nonetheless.
Also its leading cause of sucking.